The Heathers

Heather phones me in a panic. “I called a cleaning lady and she just never showed up! Can you be here in an hour? I have company coming tomorrow.” I try to sound professional on the phone, like James on his blackberry when he talks to his clients. I ask her about her apartment and what products she has, as if I know the difference between Lysol and 409 multi-surface cleaner. “Oh that’s good. Ok, yes. Swifer great. Sounds like you need a thorough cleaning. $70 should do. See you soon.” I arrive and she takes me through the apartment, sheepish as I, as it is also her first time using a cleaning lady. She tells me she mostly wants the dust wiped down in her room and the bathroom cleaned for the guests. She says she already cleaned the kitchen so don’t worry about it too much, but that’s all that James has taught me on the one time I went cleaning with him, so when she asks where I’d like to start I say, “The kitchen!” I spend 3 hours in the “already clean” kitchen. It really is a waste of time. James does post-construction clean-up so everything must be spotless, but I bring that same technique to Heather’s apartment and spend way too long focusing on unnoticable spots. By the time I get to the bathroom I am exhausted and I have to admit, I do a crappy job. I barely wipe the counters down. I don’t know how to get soap scum off of her sliding shower doors, so I just leave it and I move on, thinking “she should really hire a professional for this.” It’s time to do the floors. I’ve never used a Swifer before so I spray from the automatic pump at each turn. I want to make sure the floor is throughly cleaned. The floor is left quite slippery so as Heather's friend is quizzing me on "What I really do" suggesting I can't possibly actually be a cleaning lady as white as I am and as well-spoken as I am, Heather ready for a night out with her big hair, tube top, burberry cologne, and 100$ puke yellow pumps slips, falls and slides completely across the room. We both turn astonished. I have been exposed for the fraud I am. On the way out her friend tells me I really should consider Law School so I can make lots of money.
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