The dirtiness I love

NY is like a sweaty jungle right now and it's beasts are going crazy with the heat. Birds are flopping in the subway tracks or just parking themselves in the middle of a busy sidewalk, too exhausted to move as people walk right past them. I understand, I too am dizzy, nauseous, and delirious with mental fog. The heat brings cockroaches, mousies, fuming feces, homeless, trash, etc. Men in the streets talk about how it rained a little, "but that didn't help none. Just made it hotter!" I find a roach in my apartment for the first time in the two years I’ve been here. It is a great brown mass sitting with it’s front legs perched on my laptop, all perked up like it is posing for me. This roach is not scared like most, out in daylight staring me down. I think she’s a mama roach, she has that maternal glow, divinity and calmness. So I do what anyone would do to a pregnant roach, spray it with Lysol and put a plastic cup over it for Nathanial to take care of later.

Being back in NY means back to work, Cleaning. I check up on craigslist to advertise so I can fill a full work week, but Mitfan has flagged my craigslist ad for removal (see post "Freaking out Fiona"). The petty bastard. I know it’s him because besides flagging my cleaning ad, he has flagged the one I posted warning girls of his true intentions. Additionally he has posted two new ads, one looking for a person to give massages for 15$ an hour (cheap asshole) “no need for professional experience,” and another for a cleaning lady. I received many a thank you for posting that warning from others who had responded to his ad, but Mitfan won’t give up so I don’t flag his ads this time and I don’t respond with warnings. I go to facebook, look him up, and copy the names of his 44 friends and save it in my g-mail. He better not fuck with me again or he will be ruined.

After planning my sneak attack on Mitfan I dose off. I tend to sleep for days after returning from a road trip. Sleeping so much scares me, but I can’t get out of bed. Gravity weighs me down and I am sucked in to my dreams. Today is a recovery day and I am determined to do nothing at all except wipe down a few dusty counters in my apartment, dream and watch Netflix instant. I begin to watch a documentary called “Forgiving Dr. Mengele." The intro is a holocaust survivor being interviewed. She says “Forgive your worst enemy. It will heal your soul. It will set you free.” I wonder who my worst enemy is now. After scanning a few names of people I resent, I realize they are nothing compared to Mitfan Habril, a man so repulsive I never even considered forgiving. I want to fight him to the end. As I reflect I realize that doing that has made me hateful and unpleasant. I frown in disgust at any man in the street who resembles him. The slightest brush on the shoulder in a crowded area, and I’m ready to throw down, determined never to be harassed again. My stomach turns when I hear someone speak with a similar accent. I have not been at peace since Mitfan took advantage of my rare naïve moment, but I do know I need to stop battling and begin forgiving, now. Supposedly a key to this is in knowing I don’t need to justify his behavior, just forgive him: “Forgive them father, they know not what they do,” right? The problem is I believe Mitfan does know what he do, and that’s the sickening part.